Coming soon to a screen near you:

THE latest in reality TV, a gameshow in which a bunch of cricketers compete for a million dollar bounty on a fantasy Caribbean island; you've had Footballers' Wags, now brace yourselves for a brand new series of CRICKETERS' SLAGS!

"Eeet's just not cr-eee-ket!" squealed Kevin Pie-ter-sen in his best Afrikaner accent - possibly the finest dialect on the planet in which to express outrage - after watching Sir Allen Stanford getting action with the England players' wives.

    

Yes KP, you're right: it ain't cricket, and you should never have accepted Stanford's indecent proposal in the first place, but effecting disgust at it now is a bit like Gideon "oik" Osborne crying about his treatment at the hands of Oleg Deripaska after the event having been more than willing to swan around with him on his £80 million yacht.

As the saying goes, if money is your only motivation, if you cosy up to vulgar billionaires and drink from the poisoned well, don't be surprised if you, or your wife, end up feeling humiliated, used and abused.

• Cricinfo: All the latest from the Stanford Super Series
• The Daily Telegraph: Sir Allen apologises to Pietersen

Rampant India thrash Australia

INDIA'S annihilation of Australia in the second Test today has been one of the highlights of the year, a welcome respite from the financial gloom, ever-darker mornings and bracing autumnal chill.

From centurion Gautam Gambhir to seven-wicket Amit Mishra, the entire XI delivered, inflicting on the Australians their heaviest defeat for ten years, a crushing 320-run reverse.

On Friday, the greatest Indian batsman of them all, Sachin Tendulkar, broke Brian Lara’s world record for the most Test runs en route to 88, sparking wild scenes of jubilation and setting India on course for victory.

Other notable performances came from Saurav Ganguly – who scored 102 in one of his last ever innings – Mahendra Singh Dhoni (92), Virender Sehwag (90) and second innings bowlers, with only Shane Watson (78) shining for the visitors.

And it's not just India who've been bringing the Antipodeans to heel, with Bangladesh falling agonisingly short of a maiden Test win against a major cricketing nation, losing to New Zealand by three wickets this morning.

The star performers for the Tigers were Mehrab Hossain Jnr (83), Mushfiqur Rahim (79) and Shakib al Hasan (71 & 7-36), while Aaron Redmond (79) and man-of-the-match Daniel Vettori (76, 5-59 and 4-74) shone for the Kiwis.

One of the features of the two games, however, were the empty stands in Mohali and Chittagong respectively, a worrying trend witnessed at many a five-day match on the sub-continent.

    

It would be remiss to place all the blame at the foot of twenty20, for attendances at Test matches worldwide – with the honourable exceptions of Australia and England – have been falling for some time; the emergence of T20 has merely hastened that decline.

This dwindling support over recent years has led to calls for the Asian superpowers to play Test matches in England, against other teams as well as each other.

Last week the England and Wales Cricket Board, who would need to be consulted before any non-England Tests could be played in England, gave the strongest hint yet that neutral matches were on the way.

"It's something we are considering, how we can play these types of games and where we can play them," said Giles Clarke, chairman of the ECB. "And it may be in the interests of cricket; that's the most important thing for me."

Concerns about security leave Pakistan as the favourites to stage Tests in England, following the political instability in the country which led to the cancellation of the ICC Champions Trophy last month.

"It might be said that Pakistan might get a better crowd in Leeds than in Karachi," added Clarke.

"I like the idea of providing the opportunity with our fabulous grounds and our huge ethnic minority populations who are keen to see their own heroes."

Also on board are the doyens of the game, the Marylebone Cricket Club, a byword for old-school attitudes to the sport, who are surprisingly in favour of the plan.

    

The gatekeepers of Lord's appear to be keen to profit from any additional Test matches that may be played at the home of cricket and take advantage of the huge numbers of Asians living in Britain.

"It is our heartbeat to have major matches, so as well as our England Tests and one-day internationals we have to look at the potential to stage other sorts of cricket here such as neutral Test matches," explained Keith Bradshaw, MCC secretary and chief executive.

"We would be very open to staging neutral Tests and, in terms of embracing what's been mooted in terms of the Indian Premier League, Champions League or the English Premier League, why not?

"We have a very open mind."

So it's a done deal then? Hardly. Don’t get too excited about the prospect of seeing India taking on Pakistan on a sun-kissed midsummer's afternoon at Lord's anytime soon.

The proposals are still in an embryonic stage, and although England and in particular London have staged neutral internationals in many sports before – namely football and rugby – the history of neutral Tests remains patchy at best.

Though many neutral ODIs have been staged in England before, the most memorable being Bangladesh's five-wicket defeat of Australia at Sophia Gardens in 2005, there hasn’t been a non-England Test here for fully 96 years.

Just once before have Tests been played in this country not involving the host nation, in 1912 – when Australia and South Africa joined England for a three-month triangular tournament, won by England but in front of poor crowds and played in terrible weather.

And with the IPL now clashing with the first half of the English summer, the window for staging matches has narrowed considerably, though were television to drive the project forward, it could well happen as soon as July 2010.

Just imagine, Sachin smashing Murali over the Pavilion to bring up his fiftieth Test century...

• India v Australia, second Test: Mohali scorecard
• Bangladesh v New Zealand, first Test: Chittagong scorecard

Sachin breaks world record

SACHIN TENDULKAR has broken Brian Lara's record of 11,953 Test runs.

Tendulkar reached the milestone off the first ball after tea on the first day of the second Test against Australia at Mohali, gliding the ball down to third man off debutant Peter Siddle.

After running three Tendulkar removed his helmet, raised his arms and looked to the sky, pausing for a moment before taking in the acclaim of the crowd and the Australian fielders as the deafening boom of fire-crackers lit up the sky.

A kiss of the badge and another long, gazing stare up to the Gods and absent friends, no doubt looking on approvingly at the man described by the legendary Don Bradman as the batsman most reminiscent of himself.

And so a billion Indians jumped for joy, the great man once more uniting the nation in triumph, broad smiles everywhere, from the poorest pauper to the richest billionaire, his status as a deity now beyond doubt.

• Cricinfo: Live ball-by-ball text commentary from Mohali
• BBC Sport: Live text updates

High five!

ENGLAND made heavy weather of a beautiful autumnal evening before finally putting Kazakhstan to the sword at a packed-out Wembley last night.

Wayne Rooney, Rio ferdinand and Jermain Defoe took advantage of some woeful defending from the Kazakh back four to steer England to a flattering 5-1 win, though against better opposition they'd have been lucky to escape with a point.

Time and again the Kazakh wingers got in behind the England back-line, and but for some equally woeful finishing, they would have taken the lead - their attackers scarcely better than their defenders - with the exception of Zhambyl Kukeyev.

Kukeyev fired home the goal of the game midway through the second half, pouncing on an horrendous error from Ashley Cole to control the Chelsea full-back's wayward back pass, pick his spot and lash the ball past the hapless David James.

It was then that the game's biggest talking point ensued, with swathes of the Wembley crowd booing the errant defender. Every time he touched the ball the boos cascaded down from the terraces, to the feigned outrage of the broadcast media.

David Pleat, Clive Tyldesley, Graeme Le Saux, Sam Allardyce, Andy Townsend, Steve Ryder, Mike Ingham, Alan Green and Graham Taylor to a man condemned the fans, with Green calling them "morons".

Now I really admire Greenie for his no-nonsense approach, forthright views and ability to tell it like it is, but on this one he was completely wrong. He seems to have spent too much time in the Premiership bubble and appears to have forgotten what it's like to be an ordinary fan, having to fork out hard-earned money to watch matches.

    

Quite how anyone can defend the greedy, amoral little shit is beyond me. Cole is, without doubt, the most hated footballer in England. He and his scummy wife single-handedly sum up all that's wrong with the game, and all that's ill in society.

The fans who booed him were reflecting the views of the majority of England suppoters, in the only manner in which we are able to express our disgust at the antics of this pathetic little man.

Aside from the commentators, Cole's captain also leapt to his defence, expressing the view that the fans who beeod him ought to be ashamed of themselves.

No, Rio, the only ones who should be ashamed of their actions are Ashley and his missus, the talentless Geordie slapper Cheryl.

    

The best thing about Rio's interviews is that he comes across as not the brightest tool in the metaphorical box - though one of the sharpest in the 18-yard one. It's an endearing quality in this age of spin, and lends a human touch to the otherwise robotic answers most sportsmen give.

Another funny thing about Rio is that he sounds rather like Bernard Bresslaw, of Carry On fame, and also one of stars of the Ealing comedies, Danny Green, who played One Round in The Ladykillers.

Imagine the scene at England training: the players are being put through their paces, Stuart Pearce and Franco Baldini barking orders at them, when suddenly Fabio Capello notices a cat stuck up a tree.

Fabio: "Mamma mia! Eee's a leetle keeten schtuck up the treeee. Signor Ferdeenand, you're the tallest; do you think you could try to get him down for us?"

Rio: "Sure, I'll get 'im!"

• Carry on Cowboy
• The Ladykillers

What's the time, Mr Robinson?

Eees sexy time!

Will Fabio be saying "I like" at the final whistle, or will Borat and Azamat Bagatov be high-fiving Doctor Yamak down the Wembley touchline?

Stay tuned for all the answers! Anything can happen in the next three half-hours...

• Watch England v Kazakhstan live on ITV
• Listen live on Radio Five

Darling rolls the dice

ALISTAIR DARLING will today announce a sensational FIFTY BILLION POUND rescue package for the British banking system, which last year made a profit of £37 BILLION.

The move comes after another day of turmoil in the City during which Halifax Bank of Scotland (HBOS) and the Royal Bank of Scotland's share prices were in freefall, falling 42% and 39% respectively, with HBOS's new owners Lloyds TSB down 13% and Barclays down 9%.

As the day wore on, many bankers were scathing at the way the Chancellor had delayed, dithered and failed to make any decisions until late, asking why action wasn't taken at the weekend, during the 65-hour cessation of trading between Friday evening and Monday morning.



The government plan is effectively a public private partnership, a semi-nationalisation of the City, unthinkable even a few days ago but now seen as inevitable to prevent a complete collapse of the system.

This may prove to be a short-term fix, however, with political considerations determining banks' future actions - especially in the run-up to an election; unpopular but necessary economic decisions may not be taken for fear of upsetting voters.

Though there is one thing in this present crisis for which we can all be thankful, namely that Mr Darling and the Prime Minister have acted with a bit more haste than they've displayed previously, avoiding the interminable indecision over Northern Rock last autumn.

• Read the Chancellor's statement on the Treasury website
• All the latest on the financial crisis

"I'm right behind you, Gordon..."

"Stabbing you in the back!"

"Et tu, Mandé!"

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• The Sunday Times: Mandelson dripped "pure poison" about PM
• In full: Gordon Brown's last reshuffle