Shamik Das


Friday, February 27, 2009

Ryanair are taking the p***

Classy, real classy: A Ryanair Hertz rent-a-jet

IT'S official! Ryanair really are the scummiest airline on the planet.

They're thinking of introducing a £1 charge - that's right, ONE POUND - to use one of the on-board toilets.

I suppose we should have seen it coming. After all, this is the airline that regards sick bags as a luxury, has stripped out seat pockets and disabled each chair's reclinability.

They even run adverts on the outside of their planes and on the back of every seat - more prominent than the safety insructions. And speaking of safety, the pre-flight briefing is hardly satisfactory - a crew of Polish mercenaries flailing their arms pointing hither and tither to the backing track of a thickly-accented Irishman exhorting us all not to panic if all Hell breaks loose.

But the real nightmare begins when you visit their website, lured in by their ads proclaiming free flights, £5 one-way flights all in etc. etc. so long as you book by midnight, only for the same promotions to mysteriously reappear a few days later.

And once you click on Ryanair.com, you'll see that the flights are only valid Monday-Thursday and Saturday, with maybe a handful of discounted seats at the most inconvenient times at airports miles from civilisation, Frankfurt Hahn being a case in point, some 200 miles from Frankfurt itself.

That last point, however, shouldn't really come as a surprise. 'Twas ever thus as far as Ryanair is concerned; one must always factor in the time and cost of getting to and from their falsely named airports, some not even in the same country as the city you're allegedly travelling to.

So you've made it to the website, ready to book your "cheap" holiday. Priority boarding? £3.80, and we'll check that option anyway as we know you'll want it! Wanna check-in at the airport? £9.50 please! Wanna check-in luggage? That'll be £28.50 for one bag, £66.50 for two and an exorbitant £104.50 for three!!!

How much?! The horrendous cost of taking luggage; click to enlarge

... and don't forget to add on taxes, fuel surcharges and the like, which normally increase the cost of a falesly-advertised flight from just a few quid to near on fifty.

Now, it's time to pay. You enter all your details, name, address, card number, check the "I agree with the terms and conditions" box and then, just as you're about to confirm payment you're hit with a whopping £9.50 a man surchage, regardless of whether you pay by credit or debit card.

Daylight robbery, pure and simple.

Most, nay all, decent travel companies charge nothing for debit cards and at most 2.5% for credit cards - 3.5% for Amex - but a flat tax, for that is what it is, of £9.50 per passenger is just wrong, just plain worng. Thievery at its worst that damns capitalism and the industry, tarring us all with the same brush.

There is, however, a way round this unfair levy, by using a Visa Electron debit card. So sign up quick, before they close this loophole! Halifax and the Co-operative Bank are two places I know of where you can get one of these cards; they're reluctant to dish them out, so just be a little, ahem, creative with your answers and you'll be fine.

Then, once you've boarded your inevitably delayed flight, you maybe feel like a snack or a little drink. Big mistake! I've eaten in swanky restaurants for less than the cost of a Ryanair meal, and of course now, with the ban on liquids, you're unable to take your own drinks on board, lest you buy them from the equally-overpriced shops post-security in the departure lounge.

It's beyond a joke, what with it costing £2.95 for a characterless coffee, £3.60 for a lukewarm cup-a-soup, £4.00 for a cold pizza, £4.50 for a "premium" hot dog and £5.00 for 350ml can of beer, and now this; £1 to use the toilet?!?

Whatever next? Charging to use the over-head lockers, or how about a pay-per-breath system of coin-operated emergency oxygen masks, where you have to push quarters in to keep the oxygen pumping out... one shudders to think what crackpot ideas are running through their crazy minds.

Halifax Easycash: sign up and avoid paying their charge
Ryanair's 2007/8 in-flight menu: for Euros read pounds
The Times: Customers to pay a pound to spend a penny

Thursday, February 26, 2009

For Harm the bell tolls...

Past it? Steve Harmison looks glum after being dropped

IS this the end for Stephen James Harmison?

The man who ripped apart the Aussies in 2005, and was at his fiery, fast bowling best a year earlier to decimate the West Indies with career best figures of 7-12 that catapaulted him to the top of the world rankings seems to have disappeared.

I can't remember the last time he bowled well, the last time he really put the wind up the opposition as he did that glorious summer of 2005, with many a yorker-bouncer-yorker-OUT!

But the truth is, that 2004 tour apart, he's rarely done it away from home, his most spectacular cock-up coming in the 2006/7 Ashes series when he got the ball rolling with a wide to second slip, setting the tone for England's disastrous 5-0 defeat.

In one-dayers, he's been even worse of late, quitting ODIs after getting smashed for 97 runs from his ten over spell against Sri Lanka at Headingley in 2006 as Sanath Jayasuriya and co carted him for 12 fours and two sixes to wrap up the series 5-0, though he did make a one-day comeback last autumn, just in time for the infamous Stanford match... sheer coincidence I'm sure, but Karmatic nonetheless!

Ahtowldya! My prediction in Monday's Daily Telegraph; click to enlarge

So to the match, with England naming no survivors from the last Caribbean tour, and three changes from the third Test, as so nearly predicted by moi in response to Geoffrey Boycott's column in Monday's Telegraph.

In come Ravi Bopara, Tim Ambrose and Ryan Sidebottom for the injured Andrew Flintoff, the absent Matt Prior and Harmison respectively, while the West Indies, unsurprisingly, are unchanged from their great escape in Antigua.

England are in desperate need of a win to head off the prospect of a ninth series without victory in their past 13 Test series dating back to the 2005 Ashes; indeed, since the epic Trent Bridge win that summer, they've won only 12 of their subsequent 44 Tests - a ratio of 1:3.6 - their worst run of form over a comparable cycle for some time.

It promises to be quite a week on the global stage, with all eight leading nations in Twenty20, one day international and Test match action. In addition to the Wisden Trophy New Zealand play host to India, Pakistan entertain Sri Lanka and the top two go head to head as Australia visit South Africa.

Now, I wonder whether Mr Stanford will be watching from his jail cell/bolt hole/ranch, bedecked in the finest cowboy boots, chaps and broad-rimmed stetson stolen money can buy?!

BBC Sport: Live video scorecard of the fourth WI v Eng Test
Cricinfo: Live text commentary of the first SA v Aus Test

Friday, February 20, 2009

So, Mr Stanford, Test cricket's boring is it?

Saved! The Windies tail-enders embrace upon completing the great escape

WOW! What a finish! I've said it before and I'll say it again: Test cricket rules!

Ball after ball after beautiful ball, players giving it their all; England striving, straining, spinning away in search of glory, the Windies holding on for dear life, an heroic, bloody-minded defence as good as any win.

The excitement, the atmosphere, the nerve-shredding, nail-biting drama, the sheer, unadulterated tension of it all...

Daren Powell    "Shamone!"

And then, four overs from the close, darkness descends, Rudi offers the light, Fidel and Daren embrace and the Antigue Recreaction Ground celebrates one of the all-time great Test draws. There's nothing quite like a ninth-wicket pair holding out till the end.

They may not have won a million dollars, but last night those maroon magicians sure would have felt like it, and I guarantee you, I absolutely, positively promise you, that draw would have tasted a million times sweeter than the Stanford win; playing for pride always does.

That's why we don't just like cricket, hell no, we f***ing love it!

Cricinfo: Complete third Test scorecard from Antigua
Fredericksburg Star: Feds track down Stanford
The Times: Chaos reigns across Americas

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases...

Colonel Tex    Sir Allen Stanford

"We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe, and the world's fattest racehorse!

"And now, we need your cricketers!"

Behold Sir Allen Stanford's philosophy, the tried and tested chat-up line he used to seduce Giles Clarke, embattled chairman of the England and Wales Cricket Board - and one he shares with fellow Texan businessman Colonel Tex.

Still, I suppose it could have been worse; Sir Allen could have done a Dubya, and remarked that cricket "looks a bit like polo and baseball combined, only without the horses", dog-gone it!

As they say up in Texas, yeeeee-hah!

Evening Standard: Stanford tries to high-tail it out of the US
BBC Sport: Live video scorecard of the third Test from Antigua

Never trust a man with a dodgy tache

Adolph Schickelgruber Hitler    Robert Allen Stanford

OK, so maybe "Sir" Allen Stanford isn't as bad as Hitler, but the chiselling little crook might end up having the same disastrous impact on the West Indies as the Führer had on the Wehrmacht.

With comic timing the news of his downfall broke midway through the third Test on his modern-day fiefdom of Antigua, yet another nail in the coffin of ECB chairman Giles Clarke, the Lord Haw-Haw of cricket.

Of course, there are those of us who'd warned the board about this man long ago...

The sight of a grubby, uncouth billionaire descending on Lord's with $20 million in $50 bills was just too distasteful for words.

Old Father Time would have been aghast at the vulgar spectacle unfolding beneath his eyes; it just wasn't cricket.

Fears, too, for the West Indies Cricket Board, already reeling from the farcical goings on at the Sir Viv Richards Stadium last week and subsequent abandonment of the second Test.

The irony would not have been lost on the legendary Antiguan, one of many cricketing greats seduced by the Texan fraudster last June. Hardly Sir Viv's finest week.

So what next? A change of leadership at the ECB, a complete severing of ties with the Stanford money and the chain gang for the man who nearly broke cricket.

A welcome opportunity, also, for Test cricket to regain its place as the eminence grice of the game.

Cricinfo: Latest breaking news and latest press reaction
November 2008: England thrashed in Stanford match
October 2008: Stanford gets jiggy with the CWAGs

Monday, February 16, 2009

Bring back James Richardson! Bring back Gazzetta! Golllllllll-accccccccio!!!



WHAT a fantastic derby! The beautiful game alive and well; goals, chances, controversy and a plethora of stars... shame about the coverage!

This was a game made for Football Italia on a Sunday afternoon, not hidden away at night on one of the least watched channels in history. But, you know, small mercies and all that, I suppose we should be grateful the game was shown at all.

Remarkably, this was the first Serie A match broadcast in Britain this season; no one's snapped up the rights. Full marks then to the Beeb for televising the 270th Milan derby - albeit on BBC Three - but couldn't they have at least made an effort?

How much would it have cost to conscript James Richardson for the night? Less than Alan Hansen's heating bill I bet! Well, however much, it would have been worth every penny; arguably the best use of licence payers' money since The Simpsons' defection to Channel Four.

I doubt there's an Englishman alive who knows more about Italian football than Richardson, the face of Gazzetta Football Italia throughout the nineties and early 2000's, who, alongside such broadcasting luminaries as the legendary Kenneth Wolstenholme, brought European football to our screens in the days when the Champions League was but a two-par sidebar not yet embraced by England.

As well as Mr Wolstenholme, other regulars included Luther Blissett, Joe Jordan and John Barnes. The coverage was always more informative than showy, understated than overhyped, worlds apart from the tawdry cliche-fest of Richard Keys and Andy Gray over on Sky.

Richardson gave us a reason to wake up on Saturday mornings, watching in awe and no small jealousy as the Lombardo lookalike supped cappuccinos while bringing us the latest headlines from Gazzetta Dello Sport and Corriere dello Sport from a coffee shop in Mee-lan or Rome.

"What The Papers Say" Italian-style: James Richardson reviews the hot sheets while supping on a cappuccino

There'd be the occasional interview with Paul Ince or Gazza and highlights of the week's games, while Sunday was match day, with Richardson and friends pitch-side or up in the Gods, not stuck in some studio at TV Centre.

For those of us without Sky this was our only source of regular live football, not including action from the Ennnnd-sleigh Insurance League on ITV with Ian St John, but then Southend v Watford in front of three men and a chav hardly compares to Juve v Lazio from the Stadio delle Alpi now does it?!

Throw in Mezzanotte and the catchy theme tune and the gol-gol-gol-gol-gollllllllllllll accccccccio - which I misunderstood as golllllllll Lazzzzzio in times past - and you just know Four knew they were onto something.

But enough about the old days; what with events in the Caribbean and all that, rising unemployment, a recession and a bright young thing in the White House, these past few days do seem to resemble some kind of early nineties revival weekend. Whatever next, bringing back the ill-fated three foreigners rule under diktat of Gordon Griffin's ridiculous "British jobs for British workers" campaign!?!

To last night, and though Jake Humphreys' rehabilitation carried on apace since his poor showing at the start of Euro 2008, the boy just can't cut it at the highest level, showing why just as Auntie should have drafted Mick Luckhurst in to host the Superbowl two weeks ago, so they should have got Richardson in for their one-off Italian job last night.

His "expert summarisers" were no better: Hansen seemed below par, not quite himself, while Roy Hodgson gave every hint of a man with other things on his mind, namely the abysmal form of his Fulham side, outplayed, outpassed and outperformed by Swansea in the Cup 24 hours earlier, and Mark Bright was just, well, Mark Bright, annoying, illogical and over-promoted in equal measure.

That aside, it still couldn't detract from the majesty of the match, won by Inter with goals from Adriano and Dejan Stankovic, though they were given a scare by Milan's late rally which saw Pato reduce the arrears 20 minutes from time to set up a grandstand finish, the Nerazzuri holding on to go nine points clear and on all but wrap up a fourth straight title.

Inter 2-1 Milan: Highlights from the San Siro
Gazzetta Football Italia website
Italia Calcio blog

Friday, February 13, 2009

Anyone for (beach) cricket?

"Yeah man, we got 'um big problems here boss!"

AN abandoned Test...

A Calypso collapso...

The re-birth of the ARG...

Will Blue Food be there?

Rock up Sunday to find out!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cricinfo: Reaction to the second Test
BBC Sport: Live coverage of the third Test

Monday, February 09, 2009

Slumdog billionaire

"Oh no! Ahtowldya! F**king Abramovich!"

ROMAN ABRAMOVICH dispensed with his third manager in a little over a year today, sacking Phil Scolari after a terrible run of form which has seen Chelsea slip to fourth in the Premier League.

Saturday's goalless draw at home to Hull was the final straw, capping off a dismal sequence of results that have seen the blues fall seven points behind Manchester United having led the table just months ago.

Scolari, like his Stamford Bridge predecessors Claudio Ranieri, Avram Grant and Jose Mourinho, will doubtless be feeling aggrieved at his treatment - especially since he's been denied the riches afforded Mourinho and Ranieri during his time in charge, enduring the humiliation of losing out on Robinho to Manchester City at the start of the season.

It will also come as a crushing blow to his ego, taking into account the huge success he's enjoyed over the past decade, winning the World Cup for Brazil in 2002 before guiding Portugal to the final of Euro 2004, the semi-finals of Germany 2006 and the quarter-finals at Euro 2008.

Cheslea, though, decided to act fast rather than risk missing out on a Champions League place, essential not only to the club's finances but to maintaining the interest of their billionaire owner, whose passion has waned since last year.

So, assuming he doesn't sell up and go into exile in Siberia, where next for Abramovich and his billions?

Roman Abramovich    Guus Hiddink

Among the favourites to succeed Scolari are Russia manager Guus Hiddink, Mexico head coach and ex-England manager Sven Goran Eriksson, West Ham boss and former Chelsea favourite Gianfranco Zola and the former Inter Milan coach Roberto Mancini.

Hiddink would be sure to relish the chance to return to club management and get his mitts on the still-substantial Abramovich transfer kitty having achieved remarkable success with Holland, South Korea, Australia and Russia at international level.

Zola, after enduring a torrid start, has turned things round quite spectacularly at Upton Park this season and, tempting though a hero's welcome at the Bridge would be, the diminutive little Italian and his assistant Steve Clarke are unlikely to take the plunge just yet.

The appointment of Mancini, meanwhile, would be laced with irony - especially if the the man axed by Inter to make way for Mourinho at the San Siro wins them the Champions League.

As for Sven, well, we've been here before. Think back to 2004 and the infamous dinner date with Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon and Abramovich aboard the Russian's luxury yacht; in hindsight, it probably would have been for the best had Sven signed for Chelsea there and then, sparing England the dross served up in his final years in charge.

But then again, quite how Sven can succeed where his nemesis failed is anyone's guess...

September 2008: Chelsea lose Robinho to City
May 2008: Chelsea lose Champions League to United
September 2007: Chelsea lose Mourinho

Friday, February 06, 2009

Magic Murali re-writes the record books

Record-breaker: Muttiah Muralitharan is congratulated by Kumar Sangakkara after the pair combined to make Murali the most prolific bowler in one-day international history

MUTTIAH MURALITHARAN paid tribute to his family after breaking the world record for the most one-day international wickets during Sri Lanka's 67-run defeat to India in Colombo yesterday.

Murali dismissed Gautham Gambhir – caught behind by keeper Kumar Sangakkara for 150 – to record his 503rd one-day wicket for Sri Lanka, passing the mark set by former Pakistan fast bowler Wasim Akram.

The wicket leaves Murali as the leading wicket-taker in both Tests and ODIs having broken Australia spinner Shane Warne's Test record in the December 2007 defeat of England in Kandy.

"They are great supporters of mine, and have stood by me through the bad times and the good, always encouraging me," a delighted Murali said of his family. "This record is dedicated to them.

"This is also a great achievement for our country, because we are not a great cricket-playing nation; we are a smaller nation compared to others."

    

It is the first time one man has held both the Test and one-day international wicket-taking records since iconic India all-rounder Kapil Dev left the field 15 years ago.

In all international cricket, Murali's record now stands at a phenomenal 1,272 wickets – 769 in Tests and 503 in one-dayers, at averages of 21.95 and 22.75 respectively; figures which stand out on their own, but to truly appreciate his worth to the team one need only view how they've fared without him.

Before his debut in the 1993 series at home to India, Sri Lanka had won less than a quarter of their games, which is perhaps understandable for the then emerging cricket nation, the Bangladesh of the 1980s and early nineties if you like.

However, since he burst onto the scene Sri Lanka have won 54 per cent of their games. Impressive enough, but when one analyses their results with him in the XI compared to when he’s absent, his value is almost priceless.

Sri Lanka have won 185 out of 317 one-day internationals in which Murali has played, and only 45 out of 111 matches without him, a win-loss ratio with the spinner in the side (1.50) exactly double that when he's not featured (0.75).

It hasn't been all plain sailing though, with his critics constantly questioning his bowling action over the years, none more so than former Australian Prime Minister John Howard, who once labelled Murali a "chucker" after he was no-balled by Howard's countryman Darrell Hair.

Complete and utter nonsense, of course, especially when you consider the character of those doing the accusing: the borderline racist and uncultured whack job booted out of office in 2007 (irony of ironies: Howard's successor Kevin Rudd was sworn in the very day Murali broke Warne’s Test record!) ...

John Howard    Darrell Hair

... and the conceited, injudicious umpire at the centre of the Pakistan ball-tampering row at the Oval in 2006, whose stubborn refusal to compromise lead to the first ever Test to be forfeited in cricket history.

Add to that the fact the ICC have repeatedly and unequivocally cleared Murali's unorthodox action, in 1996, 1999 and again in 2005, and there's more than just a hint of Aussie devilment at play.

But enough about the faux controversies surrounding this most magnificent of men. Let the final word go to the man whose record he broke, Pakistan paceman Akram: "No matter what type of surface he has played on, no matter in which country, and against which team, he is relentless in taking wickets.

"I am happy that a bowler of his calibre has broken my record; he is simply great and more than a good bowler, he is a good human being."

December 2007: Murali breaks Warne's Test record
Cricinfo: Murali by numbers
BBC: Murali in pictures

Monday, February 02, 2009

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...



But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

It doesn't show signs of pausing,
And I've bought some corn for popping,
The lights are turned way down low,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

Snowy takes a stroll: A puppy and his master enjoy their morning walk through the snow-blanketed streets of the capital    Chilling out: A snowman gives his feet a rest at a bus stop in Hailsham, waiting for "the bus that will never come"!

When we finally kiss goodnight,
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm...

The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TfL: Chaos on the tubes, trains and buses
BBC News: Pics, pics and more pics