Shamik Das


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Imagine if the BBC allowed animals to enter Sports Personality of the Year...

Tian-Tian

CONTROVERSY raged today over the BBC’s latest act of obvious if unintended sexism, following up their ‘no girls, no females, no womenSports Personality of the Year shortlist by naming a panda (yes panda) as their December female face of the year.

Not just that, but of the 11 humans they named, as the New Statesman’s Laurie Penny rightly puts it, more than half are less than inspiring (especially when compared to the male faces of the year):

“Newsworthy male feats in 2011 include, apparently, being a politician (3), being a police officer, being a soldier (3), being an Oscar-winning screenwriter, being an athlete, being a revolutionary martyr, being a fascist mass-murderer who definitely shouldn't have any more sodding publicity, and being shot by the Metropolitan police.

“To be considered a newsworthy woman in 2011, meanwhile, you have to make an allegation of rape, be a pop star, go on a date with a pop star, get married to a royal, be the sister of someone who got married to a royal, be a royal and get married to someone who isn't a royal, or be a panda called Sweetie.”

Leaving aside her implicit call for pandacide - saying of them “sometimes, it’s just best to let nature take its course” - she pretty much hits the nail on the head; not much one can add on the sexism point.

However, taking the equality of species angle, and with regard to SPOTY, what might have happened had the BBC chosen to apply this principle to this year’s competition? Imagine if male and female humans were excluded, and it was an all-animal affair?

Now, my knowledge of horses and greyhounds, who would inevitably dominate such a spectacle, is next to nothing, and Wiki’s not much help either, throwing up this and this, but with what little I do know about this field, the aid of Google and a bit of imagination we might come up with a show that goes a little something like this:

COACH OF THE YEAR:

Bryan Habana’s cheetah. The Springbok flyer raced the spotted speedster in the run-up to South Africa’s victorious 2007 World Cup campaign and is rumoured to have done so for the Boks’ title defence this year. If the job of a coach is to push his charges to the limit surely the lithe, loping little big cat has no peers. The RFU should take note.



UNSUNG HERO OF THE YEAR:

The unknown bull. If bullfighting can be called a sport it would be nothing without the vanquished, the real star of the show, more so than the prancing matador, in the most consistently one-sided (more one-sided than even the duopoly of the Scottish Premier League) contest in the history of sport.

IMAGE OF THE YEAR:

The classic picture of the dogs playing pool. As with the bull, it’s a shoo in every year. A work of genius. On so many levels.

Dogs-playing-pool

TEAM OF THE YEAR:

The King’s Cup-winning Audemars Piguet elephant polo champions. The elephants not the men that is. And that’s elephant polo - not elephant water polo, but man, what a sight that would be!

OVERSEAS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR:

Yang Guang, Tian Tian’s mate. We can’t leave him out - the pair can show off their awards to the Edinburgh public together; just imagine the stick he’ll get from Tian if he goes to the enclosure empty-pawed... Besides, if the slothish, chilled-out Dimitar Berbatov can cut it, there’s no reason why the equally unathletic Yang can’t.

YOUNG SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR:

Siku, the newborn polar bear cub being hand-reared in Denmark. Like Yang, no sporting ability’s yet been demonstrated, but this award’s all about promise, and boy does Siku have it in him to be the new Knut, performing for thousands of adoring fans week in, week out.

Siku-polar-bear-cub

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD:

Awarded posthumously to Red Rum, quite simply the greatest horse who ever lived, three-time winner of the Grand National and runner-up in his other two attempts. A fitting tribute in the year his legendary trainer Ginger McCain joined him in the winner’s enclosure in the sky.

And finally...

SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR:

Kauto Star, who on Monday won his fifth King George VI Chase, described by the Guardian as “record-breaking, history-making breathtaking... one of the most memorable performances in the history of jumps racing”. With that win, Kauto overtook Desert Orchid as the most successful horse in the history of the race.

So there we have it, surreal, (surprising? - lemme know in the comments), strange, but no less bizarre than the nomination of Sweetie as female face of December that got us here in the first place. Joking aside, it would almost be worth it just to see all the old dinosaurs from the Keys-Gray school - who saw no problem with an all-male shortlist - protesting about a no-bloke shortlist...

Anger as BBC chooses Tian Tian as December woman 2011
New Statesman: What “panda-gate” tells us about sexism
BBC News: Faces of the year 2011 - the women
BBC News: Faces of the year 2011 - the men
LFF: Why is there such little coverage of women’s sport?
LFF: And the BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2011 could have been...

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff: A Bright New Show of Class!

Bleak-Old-Shop-of-Stuff

TONIGHT showed the BBC at its best, with an hour-long Dickensian Mistletime comedy, beautifully costumed, imaginatively written and well acted, led by a stellar cast including Robert Webb, Stephen Fry, David Mitchell and Johnny Vegas.

But don’t just take my word for it; if you haven’t already seen it, you can watch it again on the iPlayer and on Thursday, December 29th at 10:00pm on BBC Two.

Here’s the blurb (featuring some faaaaaaaaantastic names!):

“A Victorian comedy adventure in the style of Charles Dickens.

“Jedrington Secret-Past is a happy family man with a successful business until on Christmas Eve Malifax Skulkingworm, a lawyer with a flinty heart and an evil hat, tells him he owes a massive debt he never knew of, and imprisons his family and shop in London's most notorious debtors prison, the Skint.

“What is behind Skulkingworm’s sinister plan? Will Jedrington rescue his family in time for Christmas? And is there more to the name of Secret-Past than meets the eye? All will be revealed in a tale of hidden wills, brave urchins, giant clocks, misery, joy and treacle.”

And here’s some clips, first an introduction to the Secret-Past family:


Followed by Mister Jolliforth Jollington unveiling his amazing technicolor inflatocoat:


It’s even got a Mr Fruitcake!

Enjoy!!

BBC: The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Wanna choke off Cowell’s X Factor single from the Xmas number one? Here’s how!

Simon-Cowell-gimpANOTHER Christmas, another seemingly inexorable march to the number one slot for Simon Cowell’s latest fame-hungry karaoke coverer, with the winner of X Factor 2011 set to be unveiled tonight.

But it doesn’t have to be this way - the man who’s ruining music was knocked off his perch in 2009 and can be beaten again.






This year, following in the beats of Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In The Name is the Nirvana classic Smells Like Teen Spirit, as 21st-century anti-Cowell hero John Morter - the man behind the campaign to get Rage to the number one two years ago - explained on Radio Five Live last night, on the eve of the X Factor dénouement.

Listen to the interview, with Saturday Edition’s Chris Warburton:

Xmas No 1 X Factor alternatives (mp3)

This year’s campaign, though, is slightly different, as Morter explains:

“There’s a lot of differences really, it's not really the same sort of campaign, to be honest with you, it doesn’t feel the same, it feels very different in a good way. The Rage campaign was really, you know, a ‘have a go’, this monopoly had kept on keeping our Christmas number ones every year and we stopped that, which was brilliant, and...”



But it doesn’t say anything about the might and power of the pop music industry, does it, that you’re able to then have a campaign to get something else to number one, it’s not done organically, I don’t think it kind of redresses what you see as a bigger problem does it?

“Well, it depends how you mean, in the very long term, possibly not, it's one minor event on a massive, massive spectrum of musical history, so, to answer that, probably no, but, y’know, it was something that, that people could get hold of and could get behind and say, ‘look, we’ve had enough of this’, and that was a tangible way of doing it, and it also, it was a way of hitting them where it hurt, because the Chrismas Number One, to all intents and purposes, is the big one, y’know, it's the one that they all wanna go for.”

And, even better, even more than the satisfaction of getting one over on Cowell and propelling a proper tune to the number one slot, the Nirvana campaign is raising money for Rhythmix, which, as we reported on Left Foot Forward last month, is the music charity that’s being screwed by Cowell and his Big Music overlords.

In his interview, Morter adds:

“The Nirvana campaign is also raising money for the charity Rhythmix, which is a children’s charity, does a lot of great work for bereaved children, and for children with music as well, and, erm, yeah, they’re doing quite a bit for that too, so, y’know, would I feel bad, well no, not really, cos it’s still doing some good...

Rhythmix was the one, Rhythmix was - there’s no coincidence here is there? Cos Rhythmix was the name of the band that had to change their name in X Factor cos it shared the same name as the charity and then they had to change their name to Little Mix on the show, etc, etc...

“That’s the one, yes, that's correct.”

It’s a no-brainer, right? Surely there is no competition, either line Cowell’s pockets and buy the X Factor winner’s cover of Damien Rice’s Cannonball, or help out a music charity, turn the screw on Cowell and buy Nirvana, which you should do anyway ’cos it’s by far the better tune!

Don’t believe me?!


Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello...


The story of Rhythmix and the corporate greed of S. Cowell
Anti-cuts song battles X Factor winner for Christmas No. 1
Facebook: The Nirvana For Christmas No.1 campaign
July 2011: Amy Jade Winehouse, 1983-2011, RIP
June 2011: Ed Sheeran shows ’em how to strum
February 2010: Rowntree savages the BRITS
December 2008: Hallelujah: It’s showtime!